Cue Jackson Browne's song. . . Love me some Jackson Browne. When I was in college, I went to visit my big sis in Chicago. We ended up with free tickets to a Jackson Browne concert. Neither of us had ever heard of the guy (what can I say, we were sheltered?!), & both fell in love.
Anyway, enough about my love for Jackson. . . Our current lives are very tightly orchestrated. M & I both have very demanding careers. He travels (a lot). We have two young kids. N & S have both been sick A TON over the past few weeks. We've had: bronchitis, double ear infections, croup, sinus infections, and the stomach flu. . . M has also been sick.
When we need time off, or coverage to take care of sick kids? Neither of our careers provide much of that flexibility. A little bit here & there in an emergency? Sure thing. Repeated days off over the course of a few weeks? No way.
We almost took N to the emergency room last week when his croup was so bad that he was struggling to breathe. M cancelled a trip to watch S, I shuffled N back & forth to appointments. It's just been so stressful. Especially when I really don't want to take the kids back to school, & I'm unsure of how well they are feeling, but I send them anyway because I've missed so much work. It's an awful, guilt-filled complex & there's no winner. If I stay home from work, I feel guilty & like a slacker, & then I'm trying to balance a million things at home. If I send the kids to school, I'm distracted & can't focus & keep thinking about what I would do differently if I wasn't working.
Our closest family is 2 hours away (with no traffic, & other than overnight, it's likely more of a 2.5 hour drive). My mom will be retiring in a few years, & can hopefully be more available to help, but both of my parents still work, which further adds to the complexity. I can't be burdening them when they have their own jobs.
The last few weeks have been absolutely exhausting. And, emotional, because I feel like there's no good solution.
M & I have both been in not great moods, so this weekend I decided a little fun was in order. M hung out with the kids on Saturday morning while I did my 9 mile run. Which, was absolutely brutal, by the way. My legs felt like there were bricks strapped on. Then, we traded & I took the kids to a bouncy house event (they are not contagious, don't worry, I'm not spreading germs around :-)) & went to dinner with friends. I used a gift card, but just decided to go for it. :-) M relaxed & hung out with friends sans kids.
Yesterday I took a ski lesson with a friend & her daughters & we skied all day. My legs are not used to so much weekend abuse. :-) We finished the evening out with pizza & cupcakes, which were much needed after our giant calorie burn on the slopes.
More to come, but I'm still trying to sort my way through the working mom gig. It's no easy feat. And, although my goal was to avoid date nights as much as possible (to avoid the cost of a sitter), I'm really missing that time with M (we've swapped to lunch). I think I'm going to cut funds from somewhere else in order to swing a date night. We haven't been out together since our anniversary in October, & quite frankly, I just miss that connection.
Do you face similar struggles? How do you handle it when the kids are sick? What did you do this weekend?
I get to use five days per year for family leave. I can also use unpaid pressing necessity leave. My dh gets 15 days per year "sick" and that can cover kids too. His new department... We will wait and see. It is a struggle when they are little especially without family help.
ReplyDeleteI get 10 days that I can use when I'm sick, or to take care of the kids. But, I certainly couldn't "use" all of that (short of a serious health emergency) without major career consequence. I wouldn't lose my job, but it would be a huge risk. I'm expected to work when the kids are sick, unless it's a one day thing & I can reschedule all of my work.
DeleteM basically can't take any sick days. He took one last year (for the kids) & it was a huge ordeal for him to cancel his trip last week.
Ahhh, mom guilt-it really is one of the most evil things ever. I look back and think how did we make it. One foot in front of the other and just do the best that you can at the moment. It does get easier! And I think you are handling it very well.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking this afternoon how different it was for my parents. Neither of my grandmothers worked, & they always had that option. Alternatively, my mom's job allowed her to take sick leave (she had to call in for a sub) fairly easily. I don't recall my dad ever staying with us when we were sick, but we had only the standard run of illnesses growing up. Nothing major.
DeleteSorry I am not in a stage where I need to work around other people's schedule, but I think you guys are handling it well. At my full time employer, it really sucks for those with children, since the only PTO that is offered is vacation. So if the kids get sick, people have to choose between not getting paid or using a vacation day if they must stay home. That's pretty rough and I definitely feel for parents with kids that have to juggle that sort of responsibility.
ReplyDeleteIt's the guilt that gets to me the most. Especially because I'm working with the majority of men who either don't have kids at all, or who have wives that stay home. It's very unusual for people in my role to be working moms. For a reason, I guess.
DeleteMommy guilt does NOBODY any good. Unless your goal is to change jobs or something, you need to move on and try to find a way to make it work. You are obviously doing what you feel is best for your family, so guilt is pointless. ;) By reading your blog I KNOW you're an awesome mom & love your boys!! Perhaps you could find an older woman to help care for your boys when they're sick or you need an extra hand? Maybe hubby will have a suggestion for you? I feel for you, we all make our choices in life and have to do what we feel is best for our family. The hard part is to then have confidence that we're making the right decision. Hope you're able to figure something out that works for your family!! Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI know - it does no good to feel guilty, but it's overwhelming in the moment. Nope, don't have any older women I know that I could ask. I do have a friends mom, but she lives a few hours away, so it wouldn't work unless it was planned in advance, & I'd have to take several hours off to get the boys there & pick them up. My husband's suggestion is always "don't worry about it." Which is very easy for someone to say when they are not ever the person actually juggling the two choices.
DeleteI really feel for you with this situation. There isn't an easy answer. With my old employer, my little girl threw up in the morning and I still brought her to daycare and prayed that it was just a one time deal. I couldn't deal with the wrath of my boss. My little girl wasn't sick but the guilt I felt was overwhelming. Is there anybody who you trust that could help you out?
ReplyDeleteNope, no one who can help out. All of my friends work and/or have kids of their own. If my kids are sick, they are not going to want their kids getting infected.
DeleteUgh, it's so hard when kids are sick, physically and emotionally. I stay at home with them so it's a little easier. But we are lucky too that husband get some short- and long-term sick time on top of regular PTO. I think it might have something to do with the fact that he works for the hospital, and they know better :) I'm glad you had some fun over the weekend and relaxed with your friends and your kids.
ReplyDeleteHang in there it does get easier. Can you schedule a weekend at the beach house with just the four of you (and take a date night there? Do you have a sitter available there?)
ReplyDeleteWe were supposed to have a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks, but now it looks like M will have a trip that overlaps with it, which means it's a no go. He'll be getting home so late the night before, that we can't drive there. So irritating! But no, we don't have a sitter available there either.
DeleteIt must be extra hard when your husband is traveling. You are in essence a single working mother. I agree with Laura, as the kids get older, it does get easier. Is there a way you can work from home on the days the kids are sick? That may help.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you had a great weekend! We all need to make room for fun.
I do actually work from home when they are sick, because that's the expectation. It's really difficult to balance their needs when I'm on a conference call trying to present, which makes me feel worse. Here I have a sick kid that I'm shushing so that I can be on the phone with work.
DeleteI do get the time is off, but I can't really use it unless it's a hospital-visit type of emergency.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the most helpful thing for you to do right now would be to find some help. Can you find an occasional sitter through a nanny/babysitting service? Friends suggestions, etc?? I think it would do you a world of good if you had 1-2 people on call for when you need that extra help. Lots of people find help through various means... from where I sit it looks like this would be such a big help to you! My hubby is the same way... "don't worry about it"... ummm yah, thanks. lol!!
ReplyDelete