Alma told Sam that we were taking advantage of an old lady, which made him cry, as she was very agitated & yelling. In front of Sam, she also told M that "because you're not from this country, you don't know what a fence looks like. In our country, that looks like a barn." There were a few other references to M not being born in the US...
It's really a very positive thing that I was not home when all of this played out. M gave her feedback that a difference in taste & opinion could happen between anyone, and where he was born was not relevant. They ended things in a "good" place, with us agreeing to pay our contractor to put the old falling down fence back up - behind our fence, if she ends up not liking the new fence design.
Words matter. It's okay to disagree, and have a respectful conversation with someone else about how you prefer a fence to look, which stain to use, and which material you like best. All are totally fine. By bringing up where M was born, the conversation took a very different turn. M handled is so much better than I would, but it really upset the kids. And me.
So, with that, on to my menu for the week, because if I dwell too long in the space of thinking about that, it is upsetting.
Saturday - tacos & pico de gallo (we didn't end up having this yesterday, as planned)
Sunday - cauliflower chicken piccata
Monday - meatballs & garlic bread + salad
Tuesday - burgers
Wednesday - leftover tacos
Thursday - baked chicken & salad
Friday - pepperoni pizza
Her response sounds very bigoted indeed. I don't handle any comments like that well at all. On the other hand, your comment, about given her age, that you should have shown photos is a tad ageist. I'd venture to say it's best not to start a project on an abutting area WITHOUT having the neighbor approve pictures, regardless of age. People as a whole tend to be visual creatures, don't they? I wasn't able to visualize much of anything when we built this house, to the point that my superintendent wouldn't o.k. anything unless I initialed the picture. Even drawings were a bit tricky. I even had to have him talk me through a drawing of a built in desk!
ReplyDeleteYou are correct about the age comment. I was mostly referring to the fact that her hearing is not great, but absolutely, some people are very visual. We discussed the fence in great detail, including material & color & she was totally fine & said she had no preference of any kind as long as she wasn't paying. :-) It's fine to change your mind & see something that strikes you as offputting, because, to the earlier point, visually things can come across quite differently. But it wasn't an out of the blue fence replacement for sure.
DeleteOh no! I'm so sorry your husband had to deal with such ignorance and that it upset your kids too. I too, am an immigrant and know how quickly people assume all kinds of negative things, despite never having been to our native countries or knowing anything about it. They might be pleasantly surprised to see how much nicer than the US (not bashing USA) some other countries and cultures are. I'm glad they came to an agreement regarding the fence.
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad they came to an agreement regarding the fence, it will make it much easier for the future!
DeleteTrust me on this...she has the beginnings of dementia...sadly. This is classic behavior and I doubt if she meant to harass M. My mother has dementia (lives with me) and is awful to me on a daily basis. It’s part of the disease. Most people wouldn’t recognize the signs in the beginning. Please tell the boys this so they can understand better. Also, I’d recommend “Hillbilly Elegy” as a good book to read. Bigotry isn’t always race based. Bigotry is all about ignorance. Sorry the boys were exposed to this.
ReplyDeleteSo, can we see pictures of both fences?
ReplyDeleteI read this and tend to agree with Anonymous. I watched my Mom be on board with so many suggestions one day only to be belligerent and deny ever agreeing the next. She might not even be aware that her comments (if she honestly even remembers making them) rang of bigotry. She probably just looked out and saw something new and anything different is frightening and scary when your reality is skewed.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry they had to go through that! No matter what (with the exception of an illness/cognitive demise) there is no excuse for discussing your heritage in that matter, and making your child cry!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that happened, and appreciate how postive M handled the situation.
ReplyDeleteWeird- my back yard neighbor put in a fence recently and it never entered my mind to complain- I wouldn't have chosen that style- beige vinyl- but they paid for it. They moved in last winter so I really have not seen them outside and couldn't even tell you what they look like. It does seem like your neighbor overreacted and might have early dementia...
ReplyDeleteshe has some nerve to insult your husband and yell at your kid. perhaps dementia, perhaps easy racism. gross and i am sorry your family had to deal with that
ReplyDeletePersonally since you paid for the fence, you get to decide what it looks like. Hate when older people say that someone is taking advantage of an old person and I'm 62. She knew what she was saying and insulting your husband which is plain rude.
ReplyDeleteI don't know her situation but to say you don't care as long as you're not paying means you have given up the right to complain. To come and insult M's origins and yell at him and Sam was just, to me, indicative of someone who already knew they were wrong and came on the offensive because they couldn't handle not having the power to change things and didn't want to risk diplomacy.
ReplyDeleteSo rude.